


Taters and Fake Tatas

by kuhaperuna



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/M, M/M, Sirius is a bloody drag queen, and proud of it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-20
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2019-06-30 06:50:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15746511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuhaperuna/pseuds/kuhaperuna
Summary: Meet Sirius, a.k.a Rosalind Rigel, an up-and-coming drag queen, shitty McDonald's employee and university drop-out. And meet his friends, James, the beloved dudebro; Lily, the sometimes uptight yet badass raging bisexual; Peter, the... well, uh, he's part of the gang so you gotta love him. And Remus, the rude as hell, chocolate-addicted, dashing stoner who hates everyone. And last but not least, potatoes. Always gotta have potatoes.





	Taters and Fake Tatas

**Author's Note:**

> I came up with this after watching Hurricane Bianca 2 so don't judge me. Actually, don't even take me seriously.

Mashed potatoes had always reminded Sirius of holidays and weekends with the Potters. Neither of James’s parents were particularly great at cooking, so they ordered takeout or ate out most of the time. But the one thing Mrs. Potter knew how to do was turning normal taters into the creamiest, smoothest mash Sirius had ever tasted. It was pure heaven. 

Unfortunately, James’s cooking skills limited to instant noodles. When he one fine Sunday decided it was prime time to start learning how to cook, it was naturally a disaster and he destroyed their shared flat’s kitchen. In the end, not only did they have to pay for everything James had burnt, but also move to another (more expensive, thanks very much James) flat while the old one was being repaired. James’s parents helped, but Sirius’s family was so pissed they cut off his financial aid altogether.

And that’s the story of how Sirius went from mash to fries. McDonald’s fries, to be specific.

“It’s not that bad,” Sirius said to James after his first week as they were splayed across their sofa at the new flat. “Well, it is. But I get enough money at the club to cover the rent so I’ll only have to work there for like, a month, to pay your parents back.”

“We’ve been over this, you don’t have to pay them back! I was the one who burnt the kitchen,” James whined. 

“And I didn’t tell you it was a bad idea!” Sirius argued. “Besides, it was a lot of money. It’s not fair that they have to pay for all that.”

Sirius knew the Potters were happy to pay for the damage, but they had helped him so much during his life that he felt like he needed to pay back somehow. And, well…

“There’s a cute guy that comes there almost every day,” he said, grinning. James grinned back and punched his shoulder lightly.

“Nice one! What’s he like?”

“Lanky, wears ugly sweaters. Looks like a nerd but is a bitch and swears like a fucking sailor.”

Sirius didn’t know the guy’s name, but according to a girl he shamelessly flirted with to get the knowledge, he studied at the same university as James and his girlfriend (and Sirius, before he dropped out). He only ordered sweet things like sundaes and milkshakes, and always with chocolate so Sirius made sure to pour as much chocolate syrup in as possible. The guy seemed pleased with it. Or at least Sirius assumed so, because whenever he got his order, his resting bitchface relaxed and he flashed a smile.

“Sounds like fun,” James snorted. Sirius kicked him.

“You can’t say that, your woman’s a menace,” he shot back.

“You love her as much as you love me, Sirius.”

“Why, I would never!” Sirius gasped. “She made me eat salad, James! Salad! We’re students, we don’t eat healthy!” 

“Me and Lily are students, you’re a grease-smelling, fry-frying drop-out!” James reminded. 

“Hey! I have two jobs, you just go to parties and play rugby!” 

By the time they stopped bickering, there was a knock on the door and James shot up like he had strings on his feet. He straightened his clothes and tried to untangle his unruly hair while stumbling across the room, all while Sirius was laughing manically on the floor.

As expected, it was Lily. She kissed James’s cheek and walked in, not stopping to ask why Sirius was sprawled on the floor out of breath because she knew better. 

“So what are we eating?” she asked.

“Pussy!” Sirius shouted from the floor.

“Um, what do you want to eat?” James asked.

“Arse!” 

“We could order pizza?” Lily suggested. Apparently she had learned to ignore Sirius too.

And pizza they ordered. Sirius still didn’t trust Lily because she liked pineapple on hers, but he trusted James’s taste in women. Most of the time. Sometimes. Well, he trusted that he really liked Lily and Lily really liked him.

“So, Remus and I are going to that gay club next weekend. You coming?” Lily said at one point as they sat on the floor to eat (they hadn’t gotten their table and chairs in yet). Sirius jumped at the mention of a gay club, but no one noticed.

“Which gay club?” he asked casually.

“Club Jupiter. Have you ever been?” Lily answered. 

“Nope. Never heard of it,” Sirius said, shaking his head quickly and continued stuffing his mouth with pepperoni pizza. ‘Shit.’

“Who’s Remus?” James asked with a hint of worry. Lily laughed and wrapped her arm around his waist.

“No need to be jealous, he’s gayer than a tap-dancing hyena,” she said.

“Right. Well, you go with him. I’ve got rugby practice so I won’t make it,” James said.

“That’s fine. Sirius, you wanna come? I could introduce you to Remus.” Lily tried to wink, but it had never been her strongest point so she kind of just blinked with both eyes. 

“Um, no thanks. Work,” Sirius answered. He then paled. “Work.”

“Mate! It’s not even seven yet, you said you have night shift today!” James shouted as Sirius sprinted off to have the quickest shower known to mankind and change clothes into slightly less sweaty ones. 

“They, uh, they changed it!” Sirius said, squeezing the last of his toothpaste onto his toothbrush. 

“On such a short notice?” 

“Yeh!”

“Well, then…”

“See you later! Was fun seeing you, Lily!”

The door slammed shut, and Lily and James turned to look at each other.

“Does he always take a bloody suitcase to work?”

***

“We thought you weren’t going to show up, you bloody twat!” Ruby hissed, already dressed and halfway through makeup. She was rocking her classic dazzling red dress, fishnets peeking through the high slit on her left. She had matching heels and she had even glued fake red rhinestones on her skin. Her enormous curly wig was already prepared and sat   
on her small makeup table. 

“Sorry, I didn’t realise it was so late already,” Sirius answered, rushing to the lockers to fetch the rest of his gear. There was only so much one could fit in a suitcase.

“Well, you’re lucky you’re not up first,” Ruby whined. She was often the one to start the show and had never had the opportunity to be the main act. She hurried to help Marissa into a corset, and Sirius started getting ready.

Sirius had decided to go for Rosalind Rigel’s classic rock chick look once again. Tight leather pants, platform heels, a fishnet top and a snug leather jacket she could easily take off to show some skin. She would have flaming red hair this time, dark smoky eyes and either black or dark red lips. No cinching this time, because a corset wouldn’t look nice under the fishnet. Sirius’s body wasn’t exactly feminine, but he had gone without cinching before and no one complained. Well, except Titania, but she always had something to say and   
he appreciated that.

After the record time of one hour of beating face, doing hair and tucking, Rosalind Rigel was sexy as ever watching Ruby’s opening act through the red curtain backstage. The crowd was good, for a Wednesday. Fridays obviously did much better, but Rosa was definitely getting tipped today.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm writing this just for fun so I'm sorry if some chapters are short (like this one), I just don't want my stress-relief to become another source of stress so I'll try not to take this too seriously.  
> Another thing, I love and appreciate drag but I'm not that well educated on it, so if something I've written is incorrect please don't hesitate to correct me!  
> AND YET ANOTHER THING, comments are always appreciated <3 As well as pointers on how to use this site because I'm still new to it.


End file.
